Your friend needs to navigate a frustrating decision
Sometimes a friend comes to you with a challenge and wants help figuring out what to do next. But in the moment, you might feel like they disagree with every suggestion. When you’re headed for an argument, it makes sense to take a step back and re-assess.
Complex problems are often vague and have many possible solutions. The Meta-Problem Method may lead you far away from the dilemma that started your quest. That’s because the method forces you to clarify what you really want and what you are willing to give up. It enables you to compare objectively the possible pathways and their trade offs. It prevents you locking into solutions mode too early and then doubling down on solving a low-yield problem that does not serve your goals as well as the alternatives. At the end of this process, you will have a better understanding of your priorities and how to achieve them.
Steps in the Meta-Problem Method
Dilemma
The high-level issue you are trying to address
Helping a friend make a decision.
Goal
The changes you want to make to address the dilemma. There are usually many options.
Supporting Goals
- My friend makes a good choice.
- They stop being frustrated.
Other goals could include minimizing your own frustration, not spending too much time figuring things out, remaining friends, and helping your friend feel empowered.
Problem Space
The set of problems you could chose to solve to advance your goals, plus the constraints that hold you back.
Example problems
- What are “good” choices for the friend? Maybe the problem to solve is “what outcomes do they want and what’s possible in the situation?”
- Why is the friend frustrated? Maybe the problem to solve is “What concerns and stressors are making this hard for them to navigate?”
There are many other potential problems to solve related to helping a friend deal with frustration. Each goal has many possible problems we could link to it. Are there other problems linked to these first two goals? Which options come to mind for the other goals?
High-Yield Problems
Sometimes solving one problem helps make progress towards several goals. In this step, we identify these “two-for-the-price-of-one” problems.
Which options will advance more than one goal?
- Getting your friend to spell out what they’re trying to accomplish can help them make a good choice and may reduce your frustration and the time involved. However, if emotions are at play, this approach may lead to more frustration for the friend and may lead to them feeling disempowered by your support.
- Working through the frustrating parts of the situation can help your friend resolve those issues, may help them feel empowered, and may bring you closer. However, it may not help directly address the choice they actually need to make, and can increase your own frustration and require more time to navigate.
There are many potential solutions that will have varying effects on the set of goals. Which alternatives improve the most important goals? How might the unknown change the right path forward? What other possible solutions are there to address the dilemma?
Problem Selection
Which of the many possible options in the high-yield problem step is the best set to address the dilemma?
- Which solutions make the most sense as friends?
- Which solutions will best address the dilemma?
- Which solutions will deliver the best outcome for the least amount of time, effort and money?
Implement, Learn and Adapt
Check continuously that you are still solving the best problem, as new information emerges.
Observe and learn as you go. As new information reveals itself, check continuously that you’re still solving the best problem.