For Friends
How to help friends problem solve with the meta-problem
There are two very different situations where we may want to help our friends be better problem solvers. Sometimes we are trying to make a decision together and the conflict comes from different points of view. Other times, we want to help them make their lives easier, and we think we see something they don't about the choices in front of them.
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When we need to work together with our friends on a decision, the stakes can vary wildly. Consider these very different scenarios:
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We might be trying to pick where to eat or what to do for an outing. When the effort to make the choice is too high, we're better off picking something that's "good enough" instead of worrying about perfection.
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Choosing where to move with your partner or live with a roommate could have a huge impact on your quality of life (or budget!).
Working together to make a choice
The challenge when you need to make a joint decision is mostly if there is disagreement on the value or costs of the different choices. Since I might have different preferences than you, we expect to need to compromise on an acceptable decision. Using a meta-problem (choosing the best problem to solve) we can talk directly about our competing priorities.
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Suppose we are trying to decide where to live, and both of us care most about the length of our commute. By analyzing our options in terms of our goals, we can define "acceptable" in a way that allows creative solutions. Since different people value different things, maybe one person is willing to drive a little further in exchange for less household responsibilities. Or maybe one person expects to quit their job soon and so the commute doesn't matter in the analysis.
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While joint decision making is most often about balancing different preferences, helping our friends solve their own problems better looks a little different. There are a lot of similarities with friends as when we are helping our kids to be better problem solvers. Still, there are some differences.
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When we are trying to help our friends be better problem solvers, we often only see a small sliver of what they are trying to accomplish. When you decide if you should take a new job, move to a new town, or which car to buy, you will make that decision in the context of your other goals in life. With our friends, unlike our kids or ourselves, we often are missing a lot of that context.
Sometimes you need to look at things differently
To help friends use a meta-problem to solve their problems better then, it's often more about helping them with the process. I've found bad suggestions are often as much help as good ones as it helps folks clarify what it is they really care about.
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The first step of defining a meta-problem is laying out what your goals are, closely followed by what decisions you can make to improve those goals. I find people often fall into one of the following traps, and so I ask them questions to try to help them see things differently:
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They don't like their top choice, but can't put their finger on why. If they compare that choice to some other tangible option, it can help them identify what it is they care about most, which might inspire them to see new options.
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They say one goal is most important to them, but their choices don't seem to be helping them achieve that goal. If they have other goals they haven't articulated, it can be hard to really think about how important those competing priorities are.
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Every option is bad, because making a decision means not choosing the alternatives. This mistake is solved by making sure you always compare actual options, not a specific option to "something else."
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